Tuesday, October 12, 2010

9 years already?!

Last night I got a whopping 3 hours of sleep. I must have a sinus infection brewing. I'm in pain and I have yet to figure out how any more snot could possibly come out of my nose. I certainly didn't get new nose in a bottle when I bought all my skin care! Note to self; when you go to bed with a stuff nose, don't take the cheap toilet paper. Go for the charmin ultra. Although I felt like death, I stopped at the Walgreens to get some meds. Went into the office and just felt horrid. I came home worked half a day from home. I swear the sinus meds I got are shitty!

So I opened my MacBook, which I haven't done all day. I went to click safari, I saw that today was October 12. October 12, 2001 was the most devastating day of my life. Nine years ago today, I lost the one person I loved more then myself. My beloved Grandma Bonnie. She was everything to me! Literally EVERYTHING. There are many kids out there that don't have relationships with their grandparents, it breaks my heart. 

August 26, my first day of my Sophomore year. I actually rode the bus my sophomore year. I come walking down the street to see both Mom and Dad sitting on the front porch. My family never hangs out on the front porch. I walk through the yard to my mom in tears. she told me to get in the car and we are going to the hospital. While in the car, Mom tells me that Gandma has went to the doctors and she was rushed to the hospital. After hours of testing, the doctor came out to tell us that my Grandma had stage 4 Ovarian Cancer.

The next day, she went into surgery. Not only did she have a watermelon size cyst (my grandma had kept gaining weight and didn't understand) they said that it had looked like as if the cancer was bird seed and someone just threw it. It was everywhere. They said that they will try a experimental treatment to try and kill it all. After weeks of ICU, more weeks in regular hospital room, and 2 days at home. Grandma's body wasn't responding the treatment. October 11, 2010; I had went to the haunted house, before I had left I was told Grandma was doing better and to go ahead and go. Mom and Dad would call me if anything happened with Grandma. And the doctor had told us she had 6 weeks till the cancer completely takes over her body. 

I head off to school Friday morning, as I was walking to my second hour. I had a weird feeling in my stomach. I search and search through my backpack to see where my cell phone was. Go figure, I had left my cell phone at home. Off to my third hour, the minute the bell rings I am buzzed out of class. They told me to get to the front desk as soon as possible. I run down to the office and the tears were starting. I arrive, I see my cousin pull up, I run to her call. She informs me that Grandma had went into "coma" stage, and the nurses said she would most likely go today. We head out to State line, as we get off on the ramp Sissy's cell phone rings. She answers, and was crying more screaming NO. We get to the parking lot, running upstair to her room. Grandma was gone. That one person that meant everything to me. The one I always viewed as my mother.
9 years ago today, my world was turned upside down. I was completely empty. Why would God take such a wonderful lady. And leave all the nasty old people I dealt with day in and day out at Walgreens. This is also when I ate all my feelings. I am a emotinal eater. I was at the point where I didn't understand why the took Grandma with out me. 9 years ago I was 165, happy with my weight. Then I meant the horrid darkness that I suffered for years.

I can't say I'm completely over Grandma's death, I am better then I was even 5 years ago. I can talk about it. Although I still feel extremely guilty that I went out to the haunted house the day before, and I had left my cell phone at home. Maybe Sissy and I could of been there earlier and we could of said goodbye. Although, thinking about everything that has happened in the last 9 years there have been many positives. 9 Years ago, my mother and I didn't have a relationship. I have come around, Mom and I are closer then we've ever been my whole life.  I know that Grandma had a helping hand in my having my very first job at Walgreens!, (Growing up I always said I wanted to work at Walgreens, I loved all the random stuff they had!) drove my wonderful lime green beetle!, (Also, ever since I was a little kids. I always wanted a green bug!) Meeting Kyle, having someone again fill a little bit of the hole that was still missing!, lastly I know my wedding wouldn't have been as amazing as it was if it wasn't for her! Not to mention, 2 hours before our outdoor picture it was down right raining cats and dogs. I was freaking out! Go figure a bride freaking out on her wedding day!

I Love You Grandma!
You will never be forgotten. 

1 comment:

~Christina~ said...

Oh hunny. To say that I completely understand how you feel may not help any, but I completely do. Right down to the guilt of looking back through a microscope at the things we could have done differently to cherish that time we had a little more. I promise you that it affects you way more than your Grandma would have wanted it to and she's probably looking down on you wishing you could see what a small blimp on the radar of a wonderful relationship with you that was.

My grandma was my goto person for everything in my life. Every good thing that happened in my life I could count on her being happy for me. Even when no one else in my family could (as she put it, your aren't my kid I don't have to worry that you are making the wrong choice...I just get to be happy with you). When I was sad or hurt she always talked it through with me. It still hurts so much everytime anything (good or bad) happens in my life because I feel like I need to share it with her.

I am glad you are to the point that it hurts a little less and the happy memories are a little closer to your heart than the pain. It gives me hope. ((HUGS))